Christmas Eve in Iraq.

I woke up this morning, filled with excitement and anticipation. A giddy feeling. However, it was not for the usual reasons that one might get excited for on a Christmas Eve. It was because I was getting to talk to Emily. I look forward to these phone calls so much. Now, before anyone starts to think I'm playing favorites, you should first know that Emily isn't my favorite, Trissy is. Also, she makes a concerted effort to set up a phone date, so naturally she is the family member after the parents that I talk to the most. If Trissy had opposable thumbs and the ability to communicate besides her scratching at the door, it's more than likely I would talk to her the most, with a bit of Alfred mixed in. Back to my original point, I love talking to Emily. I think each of us Lambsons (including recent additions), have many talents that draw us to each other. We depend on them, we use them, and we delight in them. One of Em's many talents is her sheer enthusiasm for analyzing anyone and everyone with me. Analyzing people's behaviors, views, and actions has to be my favorite thing to talk about (with episodes of Lost, family memories, reasons why we need a third strong political party, and lists that rank things coming in a close second). She picks up the ball and runs with it, and we can just gab for hours and hours nitpicking every behavior we've ever displayed, as well as any behavior anyone else has displayed. Don't believe me? Just ask Joe almost any time I come over. It all comes from a place of love, so nothing mean-spirited motivates us when we talk about why Sarah is such a devoted employee or why Elise is a cat person more than a dog person. Mainly, we talk about ourselves and help each other to be okay with our faults (not justifying them, but not villifying them either).

So I know each time I get to talk to her on the phone, it will be a good conversation. We also discussed Austrailia, our sisters continued obsession with criticizing Twilight (just know that as you continue to criticize it openly, I will continue to mock you for it. Your call, sisters), Noah, Kyle and his hypocrisy when it comes to the internet (long story), game playing, and many other things. I left the phone call feeling revived and excited to start my day. Not to discount her miraculous phone skills, but this feeling could also be related to the fact that I have two days off in a row. And by two days off, I mean of course that I will be working two hours each day, but essentially, it's like a day off for me. What will I do with myself? Absolutely nothing. I may watch some movies, finish season 5 of Scrubs, read a book, nap, eat unhealthy food (I allow myself chips and candy on my rare days off), and internet till my hands bleed. I will not though, be participating in any Christmas Eve activities that fill me with that childlike spirit, that feeling of family, that warm, cuddly, hot cocoa in your soul feeling that comes with the greatest day of the year. That's right, I think Christmas Eve is better than Christmas. On Christmas Eve, there is that glorious anticipation, possibly my favorite feeling in the world. As a kid, you still had one day to pray that Santa got your letter, and that all those wrapped gifts under the tree contained your greatest desire. As an adult, it's when your family rolls into town, you finish getting your gifts together, eager for your loved ones to see your tokens of love, you aren't working, you are just basking in the glow of the holiday. Now, Christmas Day isn't too shabby. The food is amazing, the all day showing of A Christmas Story on TBS is comforting, and you can spend the day napping, eating, playing games, and napping again. But it doesn't have the magic of Christmas Eve.

So, while my giddy feelings weren't diminished, they definitely were not at all related to the date on the calendar. And that makes me sad. Those in my camp are doing everything they can to create a happy holiday for everyone here. And I know that it's a failing of mine that these things do not appeal to me. My extreme anti-socialness and my stubbornness to want the perfect Christmas Eve or no Christmas Eve at all is definitely a key factor here. I sometimes wonder if I'm denying myself the full experience of Iraq by not seeking out deeper relationships. And maybe I am. But, to argue in favor of my decisions, I don't have the time for relationships like that. Before October, my free nights were spent either scrambling for some internet access to stay in touch with family and friends, studying for that blasted GRE (it may be over, but I still resent it), or treating myself to a movie. October is over, and I am done with the GRE and internet scramble. But now there are new things filling my time. Writing personal statements, learning new procedures for when Dave leaves (which means a couple of late nights), internetting here...And maybe all of this sounds like a cop-out. It probably is. I just don't feel connected with most of these people. As friendly acquaintances, they are all great. I'm so lucky that everyone is a genuinely nice person (okay, not everyone. The girls in RM are notoriously witchy/backstabbers). And I'm not normally an age-ist. Some of my favorite co-workers from previous jobs were significantly older than me. BUT, I never hung out with them outside of work. So it's hard to imagine Carol, a contracting lady whose nice, wanting to sit down to a marathon of Arrested Development episodes, or talk about how the college system is way too easy on students (study guides for every test? What is this, high school??). It's hard to imagine they can relate to my ever-present feelings of not knowing what I'm doing with my life, if I want to have kids, my desire to travel to every continent (well, not Antartica) before I turn 35, the happiness that a good America's Next Top Model marathon can bring, the beauty of renting, or why I feel kinda weird that I think Daniel Radcliffe is hot. Maybe I'm not giving them enough credit. But for the most part I'm okay with that. I have relationships that fulfill me, sustain me, empower me, and though all of them are not located within Tikrit, they are enough. So I may sound harsh and judgemental...I guess it's just that I would rather spend my precious free hours bettering my current relationships, having some alone time, and not filling it with a half-version of a friendship I more than likely will not sustain when I leave. Judge away if you like.

99% of the time, all of my rationalizations work and I am as happy as one can be in a war zone, working 72 hours a week, and eating food that can best be described as "edible." But on darned Christmas Eve, these rationalizations don't mean squat. So know that I wish all of you the best of holidays, and that I love you and am thinking of you. But also know that I will not be trying to reclaim some of that magic, because it is impossible. I'm going to enjoy my holiday for what it is to me right now...two days off and all the candy my teeth will allow.

Just wait till next year, when I go so over-the-top, you will be holiday-ed out before November even hits.

Merry Christmas family.